Posts Tagged ‘horoskops’

Smieklīgie horoskopi (angliski)

Posted: janvāris 24, 2011 in Joki un Muļķības
Birkas:,

Kaut kad tuvākajā nākotnē šeit varētu parādīties latviskotā versija…

 

Aries

Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens’ “Hard Headed Woman” was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don’t discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers’ wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you’re Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios’ dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams’ horns are in everyone else’s asses.

Taurus

You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you’re up, the next you’re down, the next you’ve shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, “just ‘cuz.”. You’re very earthy, which may mean that you don’t shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won’t come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can’t get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren’t for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn’t know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God.

Gemini

Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it’s more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you’re finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for “I’m okay, I’m okay.” Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius.

Cancer

You like to know what’s going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what’s going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as “erratic.” You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone’s savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there’s a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies’ Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke – they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho’s and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often – all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you’re probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be “tactful”. The word for this is actually “shiftless”. Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans

Leo

You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can’t find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren’t, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching “Entertainment Tonight”. Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, “radical cult leader” is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don’t worry about hanging posters–Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls.

Virgo

You are a pain in the ass. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word “Virgo”. Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because “the bastard had a filthy car”. The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there’s something under the fridge. But it’s usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don’t see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They’ll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don’t put cheese where it doesn’t belong in a Virgo’s refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ass. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of “The Shining”. After that, he went all Leo.

Libra

You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can’t make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don’t understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don’t eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they’ve never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all.

Scorpio

You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they’re going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o’ Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It’s no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won’t get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be “I’m sorry, what?” Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it’s automated, they can hack it.

Sagittarius

Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don’t ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they’re sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there’s a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip.

Capricorn

Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ass. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he’s all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he’s overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can’t overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don’t want to live in a world like that. The nation’s cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin’ Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don’t involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don’t have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns

Aquarius

The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia’s image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase “Dude, man…” frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they’ve been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don’t think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians.

Pisces

Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn’t happen in “The Velveteen Rabbit”, it doesn’t exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don’t be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your ass and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won’t tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want “honest criticism” of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don’t like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn’t matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren’t positive they know what they’re talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don’t like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.

Avots: http://www.astrologyweekly.com

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Rupjais horoskops

Posted: janvāris 1, 2011 in Joki un Muļķības
Birkas:, , ,

Uzskrēju kam šādam draugos. Tā kā pats esmu vērsis, atļaušos savu aprakstu pacelt uz augšu… Samērā uzjautrinoši un ja iedziļinās, tad var pat saskatīt dažas reālas līdzības… :D

Nu ko… iesāksim gadu ar rupjībām un lamāsimies visu gadu. :)

Vērsis
Vērsis – šī zīme ir pizģec un man par to vairs nav ko teikt. Vēl stūrgalvīgāks par Aunu, bet viņam nepiemīt tendence pierādīt savu taisnību, pat ja tā nav taisnība. Sūduvācējs, var gadsimtiem ar mīlestību savā mājā krāt nevajadzīgus sūdus, un ļoti brīnās, kad visus šos salauztos tranzistoru uztvērējus, veltņus, makulatūru un citus mēslus mēģina izmest miskastē. Pastāvīgs, kad piesaistījis kāds cilvēks, tāpēc bieži ir nelaimīgs mīlestībā. Aizdomīgs pēc velna, greizsirdīgs kā maita, tāpēc pēc pirmā skata var likties par pagrimušu mudaku. Slēpts izvirtulis. Drāzties mīl līdz pulsa zaudēšanai. Neuzticīgs pret jauniem cilvēkiem, bet vecajiem draugiem noplēsīs pēdējo kreklu, bet uz pakaļas – matus. Altruists – bet par to pastāvīgi dabū pa purnu.

…pēc šī izlasīšanas mani pārņēma ziņķāre, kas īsti ir altruists, tāpēc sameklēju internetā…

Filozofiskā izpratnē altruisms ir to cilvēku tikums, kuri strādā sava tuvākā labā vai kalpo cilvēcei tikai prieka pēc, ko no tā gūst. Šis tikums pats par sevi ir augstas garīgas evolūcijas rādītājs, jo liecina par cilvēka uzmanību pret savu tuvāko. Tāpēc patiesu altruistu ir maz. Protams, ir daudz laipnu, atsaucīgu cilvēku, kuri reizēm palīdz citiem, bet tikai retumis altruisms kļūst par dzīves ideālu tādā mērā, lai upurētu savas intereses un labklājību. Bet altruisms pamatojas tieši uz pašuzupurēšanos un pašatdevi.

(pārējie horoskopi zemāk rakstā)

(vairāk…)

Vērsis: Ja apmeklē kādu kultūras pasākumu vai baudi aktivitātes kopā ar draugiem, tad rēķinies, ka nekas neies kā sākumā iecerēts. Arī juceklis domāsdarbos un jūtās neļaus pieņemt pareizo lēmumu.

Vnk tik pozitīvi noskaņots horoskops 
Šīs dienas dziesma:

(šis jau kādu laiku stāvēja manā dr.lv dienenē, bet nolēmu to pārkopēt arī šeit, jo man kaut kā nav izdevies uzvarēt cīņu ar slinkumu te ierakstīt ko jēdzīgāku)

Vērsis. Viņš – Viņš ir ļoti jūtīgs, redz sievietē ne tikai seksa objektu, bet arī cilvēku. Sievietes satiksmē ar viņu jūtas jaunas un skaistas, tām šķiet, ka atrodas pilnīgā drošībā. Parasti viņš nemēdz sievietes pamest nelaimīgas un aizvainotas. Savā mūžā viņš tiekas gultā ar daudzām sievietēm, taču nebūt ne tāpēc, lai kolekcionētu uzvaras. Kvantitatīva attieksme pret seksu viņam ir pilnīgi sveša, toties raksturīga tieksme pēc absolūtas personības brīvības, patstāvības un neatkarības, kā arī nevēlēšanās pakļauties vispārpieņemtajām normām, visam tam, ko dēvē par rutīnu. Cilvēkos viņš parasti ir jautrs, asprātīgs. Viņam irplašs interešu loks, viņš neko nedara piespiedu kārtā. Sakarus ar sievietēm nekad neuzsāk, zemisku, sieviešu aizvainojošu instinktu mudināts. Viņa mērķis ir gūt atklāsmi pašam un sniegt baudu un laimi partnerēm.

Visinteresantākais citāts 

Savā mūžā viņš tiekas gultā ar daudzām sievietēm, taču nebūt ne tāpēc, lai kolekcionētu uzvaras.

Bet tā vispār pat dīvainā kārtā daudz kas arī atbilst… 

Svešā Dr.lv dienasgrāmatā atradu kādu saiti, kur var uzzināt sava vārda skaidrojumu.
Piemērs ar manu vārdu:
“Kristaps, vārda dienu svin: 18.Decembris
Viņam piemīt liela atbildības sajūta. Spēj mīlēt un satikt ar saviem tuviniekiem. Cilvēks ar zelta rokām. Veikls, zinošs savas profesijas pārstāvis. Prot konkurēt ar pārējiem. Labprāt ironizē par neveiksminiekiem un slaistiem. Īsts biznesmeņa tips ar goda izpratni. Mūžam neremdināms rosmē un gādībā.

Viss pilnīgi patiesiīpaši tā daļa, kur teikts “Labprāt ironizē par neveiksminiekiem un slaistiem.” – jo es ļoti bieži ironizēju par sevi (ak, nē, laikam, pat tagad… ;( ) :D

Vēlies uzzināt, kas teikts par Tavu vārdu?! Droši – SPIED ŠEIT!

Ja Tev patika šis, drošvien patiks arī senāks raksts – Draņķoskops – horoskops, ar kura palīdzību uzzināsi to, kādam draņķu tipam piederi tieši Tu – SPIED ŠEIT!

Kā arī – Alkoholisma horoskops – ŠEIT!

P.S. Daži varbūt jau ir pamanījuši, ka man kādu laiku nebija interneta… tad nu lepni varu paziņot, ka:

1. internets man atkal ir

2. esmu mazliet pamainījis šīs lapas vizuālo noformējumu (atkal)

3. domājams, ka drīz šeit varētu būt gaidāms kāds vērtīgāks… vai vismaz citādāks raksts

Alkoholisma horoskops

Posted: Oktobris 27, 2009 in Joki un Muļķības
Birkas:, , , , , ,

Auns

Iedzeršana ir ļoti bīstama. Alkohols nogāž no kājām vai arī mudina pastrādāt kaut ko neprātīgu — spēks ņem virsroku par prātu.

Vērsis

Zaļais pūķis Vēršus padara bīstamus. Mierīgums ir pazudis. Uzbrūk un var pat nogalināt.

Dvīņi

Iedzer nedaudz — galvenokārt asinsrites uzlabošanai. Ja par daudz — kļūst neprognozējami.

Vēzis

Vispār jāatturas no grādīgās dziras, jo ļoti jutīgs ir kuņģis, arī nenoturīga psihe. Jautrības vietā tie alkohola ietekmē dažreiz pat raud.

Lauva

Rūpīgi jāapsver izdzertās dziras mērs Nedrīkst sirdij uzlikt papildus slodzi. Iedzerot vairāk, viņš no Lauvas karaļa var pārvērsties par pērtiķi — ar neprognozējamām izdarībām.

Jaunava

Grādīgā dzira ir spēcīga inde. Šīs zīmes pārstāvjos ir sastopami daudzi alkohola pretinieki. Alkohola ietekmē viņu aknas strauji nolietojas.

Svari

Iedzer kompānijā, dažreiz viņus var paslavēt, jo Svari ietur mēru, bet viņiem jāatceras, ka nespēj lietot alkoholu lielās devās — būs slikta dūša, paģiras.

Skorpions

Alkohols ir ļoti bīstams. Dzērumā viņi zaudē kontroli par savām emocijām, gadās, ka izposta savu dzīvi. Alkohols viņus padara par neveiksminiekiem un potenciāliem pašnāvniekiem.

Strēlnieks

Iedzer ar baudu. Daudzi talantīgi Strēlnieki ir nelabojami alkoholiķi — no šīs dzīves aiziet no hepatīta un aknu cirozes.

Mežāzis

Iedzer, lai «noņemtu» no sevis problēmas, bet tas neizdodas, tāpēc nav jēgas iedzert, jo problēmas un stress neatkāpsies.

Ūdensvīrs

Viņi pie alkohola sāk ātri pierast, ātri sabrūk viņu nervu sistēma. Ūdensvīri kļūst par neirotiķiem ar trīcošām rokām un nestabilu gaitu. Dažkārt saslimst ar astmu vai cieš no krampjiem.

Zivis

Nedrīkst alkoholu lietot, jo Zivīm ātri veidojas ieradums. Ir pārbaudīts, ka šīs zīmes pārstāvji (visvairāk) lieto narkotikas. Zivīm vienmēr ir smagas paģiras.

Es esmu vērsis un man atbilda šis horoskops, tāpēc turpmāk pieņemšu, ka visi citi arī ir tieši tādi draņķi, kā rakstīts te ;) :D

AUNS –Impulsīvais draņķis.
Un ar to viss pateikts. Uzreiz pēc pastrādātā vai nu lūdz piedošanu-
skaļi, ar pelnu bēršanu uz galvas un tamlīdzīgiem teatrālajiem efektiem
( lai nākamajā dienā atkal ķertos pie vecā), vai nu Nelūdz- “lepnums
neļauj”.
Atrunas: “Uznāca kaut kas”, “Velns mani dīdīja”.

VĒRSIS – Apdomīgs draņķis.
Pilnīgs pretstats Aunam.Var nejautāt: “Tu sajēdz, ko dari?” Un vēl kā
sajēdz. Iepriekš jau aprēķinājis, kur sist, lai būtu sāpīgāk.
Atrunas: “Tu to esi pelnījis”.

DVĪŅI – Vieglprātīgs draņķis.
Bieži vien vienkārši nesaprot, ka uzvedas kā dranķis( pusotra smadzeņu
izliekuma kaut kā nevirza uz savas darbības analīzi). Par izdarīto
aizmirst jau pēc 5 minūtēm.
Atrunas: “Tu ko apvainojies? KĀPĒC?”

VĒZIS- Viss-No-Sevis-Visnelaimīgākais draņķis.
Tas esat jūs –dranķis, bet viņš – nevainīgais upuris. Un tā būs
vienmēr, pat ja draņķību uz viņa rēķina būs desmit reizes vairāk, nekā
uz jūsu. Vēl vairāk-viņš parūpēsies par to, lai visa pasaule uzzinātu,
kā jūs ar viņu, nabadziņu, nekrietni apejaties.
Atrunas: “Tu mani piespiedi to darīt”.

LAUVA – Sevī iemīlējies draņķis.
Viņš ir Dižens, pārējie ir gruži zem viņa kājām. Vadoties no šā aspekta tad arī nāk viņa visas neķītrības.
Atrunas: “Man tā sagribējās”- kā maksimums.

JAUNAVA- Ļaunatminīgs draņķis.
Kaut kur kaut kad jūs pārgājāt tai ceļu ( vai vienkārši ne visai veiksmīgi izteicāties par to)- SAŅEMIET.
Visus šos gadus viņa vienkārši gaidīja izdevīgu brīdi.
Atrunas: Vai nu pilnīga nesaprašana- “ES?! Kā tu vispār iedomājies kaut ko tādu! “, vai nu triumfējošais “A tu atceries…”

SVARI- Bailīgs draņķis.
Vispār, draņķu reitingā –1 vieta. Nekrietna, netikumīga radība. Te
sameloja,tur aprunāja, kaut kur nodeva- tāds dzīves veids. Un viss no
lielām bailēm.
Atrunas: nekādu. Piecūkoja un noslēpās.

SKORPIONS- Principiāls draņķis.
Principi var būt dažādi, ne jau viņos ir būtība.Vadoties no viņa
vareniem un grūti sagremojamiem pasaules uzskatiem, jūs pārkāpāt kaut
kādu Aizliegumu un jūs ir jāsoda. Sevi viņš uzskata par Patiesības un
Taisnīguma ieroci( ar lielo burtu, jā).
Atrunas: nekādu. Un augstprātīgi uzrauts zods.

STRĒLNIEKS- Skandalozais draņķis.
Sīks huligāns, tramvaja nekauņa, tirgus bāba. Saņem apmierinājumu no konfliktiem kā tādiem.
Atrunas: bezjēdzīgs teksts, krietni papildināts ar lamu vārdiem-paaugstinātos toņos.

MEŽĀZIS- Aprobežotais draņķis.
VĒRŠA vienaldzīgums+LAUVAS egoisms+viņa personīgā, neatkārtojamā aprobežotība. Un vēl alkatība-kā piedeva.
Atrunas: “Tā iznāca”.

ŪDENSVĪRS- Ciniskais draņķis.
Goda – otrā vieta. Izdarīs nekrietnību tikai tādēļ , lai pasmietos par
jūsu ciešanām. Viņam ir iedzimts sirds aukstums-viņam vienkārši nav
sirds.
Atrunas : “HA-HA”.

ZIVIS- Vienaldzīgais draņķis.
Dzirdot kliedzienu “Palīgā!”, aizcērt kaplodziņu un ciešāk ietinas
biezā pledā. Viņš neatnāks pie jums uz slimnīcu , kur jūs pavadat uz
špricēm un injekcijām savas pēdējās stundiņas. Un tā tālāk tādā garā.
Atrunas: “Katrs pats par sevi, atvaino!”